Lara/22/Australia
I'm completing my Bachelor of Education (Primary and Middle) with Honours, and this semester I'm required to keep up to date with reflections of my learning, understanding, and progress as I prepare for a research project, my final prac, and attempting to get a job.
These are my thoughts.
… still terrifies me.
It’s been a while since my last post. Since finishing my prac and final assignments I have:
So I’ve officially finished all of my core content subjects for my Bachelors, Passed everything first go (with plenty of HDs in there), and now the only things standing between me and graduating is my Honours Thesis, which I’m completing as my electives in the degree.
I feel very lost though. I feel almost certain that being a teacher is not for me. There are so many things I love about working with children, but I definitely don’t feel passionate enough to deal with all the garbage that school teachers are expected to put up with, and I know that it is not in my personality to take the job of a full-time teacher. While I was on prac, I saw myself turning into a person that I just couldn’t stand, and while I learned so much from that experience, I feel like it became more and more obvious that I cannot do that job.
I don’t know what this means. I desperately need the money, and I could earn so much more from working as a teacher than anything else I’m qualified to do. But should I do it for that reason when I recognise I have no love for that job? I don’t want to turn bitter and resentful and be doing a job just because I have the degree.
Maybe I’m just weak and scared and that’s what’s stopping me.
Maybe I first need to learn to take care of myself before deciding what I need to do. Because right now, I don’t feel like I’ll be able to succeed at anything.
Tuesday the 26th of October, I completed the 30 days of my final Internship teaching grade 5.
I passed.
I was so unsure and so unconfident. I thought I may fail. I thought that I had really done a pretty average job, and could not be certain that I had done well enough to pass. But I did.
Friday the 29th of October, I submitted my last ever university assignment. It was a 4000 word project based on research conducted during my Internship.
I still fear I may not have completed this properly, unsure about the requirements and expecations. I followed the marking criteria carefully, though did not attach my ongoing reflections (as it was not included in the criteria) and I fear that I was actually supposed to. But there is little I can do about it now. I simply must be sure to check for emails… All I want is to pass.
That makes me sad. There was once a time that a B was unacceptable. That I would always put in my all to get a 85%+ score, and now, now I’m content to simply not have to do it again.
I have more to reflect on, and should really, at least, type up the reflections I have been doing for the PRI 4001 course and assignment. Just in case I’m required to show proof. I was just really hard put for time and prioritised re-typing a number of reflections at the bottom of the list, as there was nothing about it in the marking criteria. I just can’t help shake the feeling that they were supposed to be included anyway.
I just don’t want to worry about it any more. I worry too much.
Intended Action: Write more of the project proposal – finish situational analysis, methodology, flesh out Question and begin reading for the Literature review
What actually happened: Realised there were some gaps in the situational analysis, emailed J to try to get more details about the class, and completed that section. After the tutorial on data collection, decided on the methods most suited my project, and was also able to complete that section. Went to the library and borrowed a number of books that I hope will help.
Reflections/Comments: It seems I have lingering doubts about the literature review – while I understand the concept and what is expected in that section, I had a very hard time of it when compiling the literature for my honours, and it had lead to me viewing the task in a rather negative light, and thus I have been putting it off. I find it interesting to note that it had this affect on me. In my mind I know what I must do, and I know what I expect to find, but practicing it is another matter. I must grit my teeth and do it anyway. I’m finding this reflective practice to be very helpful in keeping my progress moving, and my plans accountable.
