Lara/22/Australia
I'm completing my Bachelor of Education (Primary and Middle) with Honours, and this semester I'm required to keep up to date with reflections of my learning, understanding, and progress as I prepare for a research project, my final prac, and attempting to get a job.
These are my thoughts.
Should have looked like:
Actually looked like:
*sigh*
I feel like I’ve had no real opportunity to teach properly because of all the interruptions, but I can say this - I’ve never had so much experience with having to be flexible with my class before. And really, while it’s so important to teach well, if you can’t be flexible and fluid with a million interruptions and changes, then you’re missing out on a key part of being an effective teacher.Monday: Rained. Testing, but the students could get started on their contract work while small groups were tested by J. It was J’s first day back after her trip away, it had been almost 4 weeks since the kids had seen her, and they were quite unsettled (the rain didn’t help). We got through some lessons I had planned but due to the testing it was out of routine. I got to see the students in quite a different light - with me taking on more authority, and how unsettling the day was. I feel like I managed them quite ok - I really wanted to find a balance between giving them some freedom, but keeping it peaceful enough to be a good learning environment. Watched some of the commonwealth games from the projector attached to the teacher’s computer, and students really enjoyed that, and produced some great writing inspired by watching the athletes.
Tuesday: Still Raining. More testing, but this time completed as a whole class. I love Tuesdays - Primary Parade, PE, Music, and Library leaves us with very few teaching sessions, which was a nice break. Especially with the rain. We had a grade 5 meeting and I learnt so much - I was able to type into the unit planning document while the teachers discussed it, and it was really good for grounding my understanding in the PYP unit planning. I followed up on the writing task they’d begun the day before, and in the afternoon directed a discussion on the appropriate use of contractions. I felt I didn’t do so well in these lessons, even though I’d planned the contractions one over the weekend.
Feedback from J included - Give clear instructions, be brief, use visual aides. These are what I need to work on most. My management is improving, and lesson transitions are ok, but my instructions get all tangled up, and the students lose focus waiting for me to say what I really mean (my words, not my teacher’s).
Wednesday: I taught most of the day. And it really wasn’t that bad. I got some excellent feedback from J and she even got me to open up to sharing my stresses, worries and what was making me nervous. I didn’t get as much work done as I’d planned, but we got through everything important. The sun also came out and the kids could play outside, so that was a huge relief. My great discussion with J this afternoon included planning the rest of the week with her (for when I’m teaching with D), and her telling me what she saw in me that made her believe I’d be a good teacher. I’m listing this to remind myself.
I really just need to work on demonstrating a little more confidence and certainty in the content I’m teaching, and give clearer instructions.
I can’t believe I have 8 days left. It feels like forever, but it feels like it will over in a flash. Wow.
Thursday went much better than I expected. I had everything together for my day with my male mentor (D), planned out and ready for anything. Was able to record some great observations of the students doing maths, and picked up some great teaching strategies from D. Taught some lessons that with D there for a bit, away for a bit, and I just felt fairly comfortable for most of the day.
Friday went less well. D taught maths again so I could observe, and it was great. There were a number of times though where he’d expected me to have done something, and I hadn’t (whether because I’d never seen it done before/I didn’t know I had to do it/I’d taken advice from someone else…) and he seemed disappointed. He gave me feedback from the day before, which was positive. As it was, it almost seemed as though I’d have no time to do my lesson finishing some work from the previous day, but as sport was cancelled, D suddenly handed the class over to me. Caught off-guard, I stumbled my way through a not-at-all-thought-out lesson on writing the body of a newspaper story. I felt like I did a terrible job, though the work that students produced was really very good. I feel like I get so nervous around D, he seems to always catch me on the incredibly rare occasions I do something stupid… or maybe I just do something stupid because I’m so nervous. I realised that day that I do not perform well. I really don’t. I never have. I always screw up, and I don’t know how to counter that.
Some advice D gave me on Friday is something that will always stick with me - we as teachers, are there for the kids. We do everything for them. Not for us, for them. It’s hard to get out of the mind frame that ‘we know better, do what we say’ and start thinking about what the kids need over our own sense of what is more convenient.
There is such a fine line, such a perfect balance, that I still can’t get my head around.
2 weeks + 2 days left :)
Today could not have gone better, I don’t think.
I was in control, the students listened and did what they were asked, and more than that, engaged in creative thought and learnt a lot!
The relief teacher supervising me (also supervised me yesterday) really stepped in to encourage me and demonstrate how he gets the classes attention. It set up the day for success. I also introduced a few things about how the next 3 weeks will run, and it settled the students well; the table group competition, table named after Commonwealth nations, the program of inquiry about the Commonwealth Games, the medal tally, and the newspaper assessment.
I was able to complete organising the activity matrix/table that I was upset about yesterday, and it seems quite positive and we are ready to introduce it tomorrow.
I feel like the class was much more well behaved and settled today, and felt much more in control than yesterday. Even the relief teacher mentioned how confident I appeared today. That surprised me.
I am still unbelievably tired, and will probably be in bed within the hour, I’m still not eating much, and my throat is so sore I can’t cough without wanting to vom, and it kills me just to swallow.
Tomorrow I’m teaching with D, and it overshadows how positive I feel about today. I’m just worried about what he will think of me.
I’m my own worst enemy though. I still think I’m too hesitant to show what I’m capable of doing, too nervous and cautious to take initiative, and that makes me think that my personality is really not compatible with this job. 13 days left.
Just drained.
And I’ve only finished the first day of term, in which I had three non contact session. What? How can I be tired?
Today was ok. The kids were fine, but I give them too much freedom that they very quickly get that bit-to-much out of hand. I just hate getting all up in their faces and being all ‘stop doing that’, ‘don’t do this’, ‘hurry up and do that’. I worked really, really hard on descriptive encouraging today, and positive classroom management. There were quite a few times that I saw it being really effective, but I also realise I had to spend whole lessons circulating around the children, encouraging them as I watched them work and tried to maintain the quiet noise level.
Somehow I’ve had my confidence shot. I didn’t really have much to begin with, I second guess and am far too hesitant far too often, but after today I just feel like I’m not meant to be a teacher.
I’ve spent a lot of time creating an activity matrix contract for the students to work on as we complete a unit about the Commonwealth Games, as I was asked to by J (my mentor teacher, who gets back next week). I wasn’t really given an example, so I just tried my best, and talked about it with the teacher working next door (we’re doing the same work and she is going to use it too). I showed her yesterday afternoon and she said it looked excellent and sounded really impressed. But when she looked at it closer today, she basically wrote off most of it as being too time consuming or too complicated/too much work. She did assure me they are good ideas, but in the 4 weeks we have for the unit, a lot of time will spend testing (almost all next week) and finishing any activities they still need to report on (art, science) because reports are due in the next 2 weeks.
It was just frustrating. I totally understand, but it was a little disappointing. I know it is so much more work for us to have these rich and authentic tasks with which students can take creative license, but it just feels like such a cop-out using handouts. We went through some black-line masters and found worksheets that could be used well, and it was a little encouraging that we did keep some of the original ideas I had with just a little editing to the wording and size.
I just feel like such an annoyance, continually asking for things to be checked, asking questions because no one has told me what’s going on or because I don’t understand what was asked of me without explanation. It’s frustrating because I hate appearing anything less that competent, and in this job, I constantly feel nequient and incompetent. I really love working with children, but it is just so hard when I can’t be sure what I’m supposed to be doing. To try my hardest to meet the expectations on me, and find out I’ve missed something, or done something wrong, or don’t have enough information… Does it always feel like this? I worry enough without living in fear that I’m going to do something wrong in my teaching of students.
I am just not sure what to do to get through the next 14 days of teaching. I’m particularly nervous about teaching in front of D (male mentor teacher) who is quite forward about his ideas and ideals and doesn’t seem to have much patience for worriers or over-cautiousness.
I suppose I must try my best. I just hope that’s good enough.
A brief outline of my third week of prac - better write and reflect on it before the end of the holidays!
I really must try to do this every day next term: teaching full time, there will be far too much to write for me to leave it until the end of the week!
Anyway, I had a beautiful Monday, though it was rushed and full, as my mentor teacher’s last day before she headed overseas! It was fascinating to watch as she quickly whipped up a weeks worth of work and activities for the students, to give to the relief teachers.
J insisted on having the relief teachers teach, as she felt it was unfair to leave me to teach with no consistant support and feedback, and so left me small activities to do with students, and prepare for the next term’s work. When mentioning her plan to other prac students, some were appalled that I wasn’t allowed to teach on my own, but I was relieved. They said how much they would have loved it, to have that freedom, but that freedom scares me. As it was, I really enjoyed all the tips that I was able to pick up from the different relief teachers in the class! Working with them really opened my eyes to the great initiative and flexibility a relief teacher must show, and I saw how far I have to go to be a good and successful relief teacher, but it was also very encouraging!
I had to teach on my own on Friday (not even someone watching me), the last day of term, though. And while it ran very smoothly for the most part, it had very scary moments. Losing my patience with a student on the way to walking the students to chapel first thing in the morning, lead to a large search of the area when I realised he had not walked with the rest of us, but run away. Most terrifying thing ever. I prayed and prayed and was positively freaking out, but mentioned it to two familiar teachers who I knew would understand, and one helped me look, and we found him locked inside a little commonroom next to my room. I was so relieved that the teacher who helped me said little about the incident and was reassuring, though I STILL worry about what was said about me in private conversation. I’m kicking myself for the way I dealt with the situation initially, but still can’t think of another way I could have done it. Amazingly, I somehow restored myself in the eyes of that student, and we got along well for the rest of the day.
It was a hard, hard day, and a good thing there was very little work to do, because all the students were so tired!!!! So very tired, and on very short fuses. But we all made it. There were such moments during the day where I could only stand there and wonder what on earth I was supposed to be doing, and other moments where I knew (and I never really feel all that confident!) that I was doing the right thing, and that the students were responding well to my teaching and management.
I really need to work on my confidence with managing the students. Also on my management in pressured situations. I think I have been far too hesitant and cautious previously, and it has lead to my development as a teacher being ‘stunted’ in a way. I am not a risk-taker. I don’t trust myself. I rely far too much on the instruction given to me by my mentors and I constantly seek reassurance from more experienced, all the while worrying that they will think I’m incompetent. These are things that come naturally to my personality, and I know I must not let it affect my teaching or my management of the students.
And that’s enough reflection for right now… more to come later.
It’s the middle of the holidays now, so this was actually 3 weeks ago, but things became so crazy in the 2nd and 3rd weeks of prac that I just completely forgot to be blogging about it.
So, week 2.
On Wednesday of Week 2, the class had an expo night where each child had a stall in the library to present the work they had been doing to their parents. They each had a powerpoint running on a laptop, brochures with information, activities and posters. The students have been participating in a unit on ‘Healthy Body Systems’ and each chose a system to research, developing a informative powerpoint on that system, and a brochure to explain how to keep that system healthy/how to counter health issues with that system. The unit and the assessment (in the form of the Expo presentations) were informed and based on the Primary Years Program (PYP) created by the International Baccalaureate, and it was a fantastic experience to see the students taking ownership of their work, and producing such mature products.
So anyway, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were all very busy with getting everything ready for that night. We spent a large portion of these days proofreading, conferencing, printing, finishing their powerpoints, brochures and posters.
The actual Expo was so exciting. I was so proud of each child and the maturity they displayed as parents interacted with the stalls and participated in activities. It was lovely to see all the work the students had produced, be so successful.
Thursday I spent the day with my male mentor teacher and all my grade 5 boys at a soccer carnival, though I rarely saw them as I assisted with the grade 6 and grade 7 boys teams. All day. I was eaten by ridiculous swarms of flying ant-type-bugs and was incredibly sunburned (the nasty hypocrite I am, making the boys put on sunscreen, but forgetting myself!).
Friday I taught a lesson on Verbs, which I think went rather well, except that I hadn’t thought through a very good conclusion. I felt that everything had been said, but my female mentor teacher seemed surprised when I signaled that the lesson was over, and she was nice but I felt that she was unsatisfied with the way I wrapped up the lesson. I have to remember that while things seem obvious to me, repeating information to drive it home for students is still important, and better than just assuming they understand.
The week finished in a rainy, sleepy way; the students were tired, I was wrecked (sunburned and sick).
Intended Action: Finalise Project Proposal to submit Monday 16th
What Actually Happened: Had to reword and cull down on many sections that were over the word limit, completed readings for literature review and finished writing that section, as well as keeping a list of further texts to explore for the final report. Also finished my reflections.
Comments/Reflections: I am feeling overwhelmed. This project proposal is due, and I have a number of things I’m hoping to get done before Prac starts, and that’s only 2 weeks away. I don’t know how I’m going to manage it. I mean, I probably will… and at least I don’t have EQ interviews to worry about… but I just feel like I have a thousands things to do and no time to do them in. At least is assignment is almost over (for the time being). I’ve noticed a certain trend occurring in the tasks that I must do, and the tasks that I want to do – for example I am really excited for my Professional Portfolio (I’m creating a website) and I find myself inadvertently focusing and planning it, while a task like the Narratives task, where I must remember past events and analyse things – I find myself avoiding it. I’ve not yet discovered the reasons for this, just that it’s interesting to note. I am still a little at a loss for how exactly my research on prac will pan out, but I feel better knowing I have the support of my teachers in the endeavour.
At this point where I am finishing my degree, where I have been part of 2 different cohorts (having taken an extra year last year to being my honours project) something has come to attention in regards to beginning teachers… Seeing these almost-teachers outside of the school context has made me think…
One of my lecturers stated in class that apparently teachers have the highest rate of alcoholism of any career.
I’m seeing two distinct sides of teachers.
One side is an effective professional, a caring mentor, a sensible person, controlled and self-aware, role model to each child they come into contact with.
On the other side (not to generalise, I know that not all people are like this, but the truth is, some are), outside the classroom and professional environment - the same people who teacher children during the day show rude, aggressive, promiscuous, drunk behaviours, and swear like sailors.
I know that people are still people regardless of a career, and that every individual has the right to make their own choices and live the life they want to… But what does it mean for the values being taught to children? Yes, it is implied that you leave that identity outside the classroom, but we never rid ourselves of bias - As the same lecturer said, if you claim to have no bias, you must be dead.
How can a person carry on living two such different identities? Will the outside party-animal eventually influence the teacher and the values she/he imparts on the children, or will the teacher instead change the party-animal?
This is just something I think about… I know I am quite conservative (I don’t get drunk or swear or sleep around) and by no means am I trying to say that everyone should be like that, but I am just aware of how much of a toll it can be to try and maintain two such vastly contrasting identities, and am simply pondering it.
I’m more concerned about student attitudes than specific student achievements… I want them to do well, but I’m more sensitive to bad attitudes than to below average performance. I’m still working out what this means for me as a teacher.
It’s incredibly important to me that I consider where a student is coming from and their background… I’m sensitive to meeting individual student needs (this stood out to me as I worked as a teacher aide) and have endless patience to help a student who is struggling with learning a concept… but I have much less patience for students who are rude and smug at the expense of other students, and disrespectful in response to authority.
I can already see that it will be a focus of mine in the classroom to be developing respectful and kind young people while I teach them the content.
