Lara/22/Australia
I'm completing my Bachelor of Education (Primary and Middle) with Honours, and this semester I'm required to keep up to date with reflections of my learning, understanding, and progress as I prepare for a research project, my final prac, and attempting to get a job.
These are my thoughts.
Just drained.
And I’ve only finished the first day of term, in which I had three non contact session. What? How can I be tired?
Today was ok. The kids were fine, but I give them too much freedom that they very quickly get that bit-to-much out of hand. I just hate getting all up in their faces and being all ‘stop doing that’, ‘don’t do this’, ‘hurry up and do that’. I worked really, really hard on descriptive encouraging today, and positive classroom management. There were quite a few times that I saw it being really effective, but I also realise I had to spend whole lessons circulating around the children, encouraging them as I watched them work and tried to maintain the quiet noise level.
Somehow I’ve had my confidence shot. I didn’t really have much to begin with, I second guess and am far too hesitant far too often, but after today I just feel like I’m not meant to be a teacher.
I’ve spent a lot of time creating an activity matrix contract for the students to work on as we complete a unit about the Commonwealth Games, as I was asked to by J (my mentor teacher, who gets back next week). I wasn’t really given an example, so I just tried my best, and talked about it with the teacher working next door (we’re doing the same work and she is going to use it too). I showed her yesterday afternoon and she said it looked excellent and sounded really impressed. But when she looked at it closer today, she basically wrote off most of it as being too time consuming or too complicated/too much work. She did assure me they are good ideas, but in the 4 weeks we have for the unit, a lot of time will spend testing (almost all next week) and finishing any activities they still need to report on (art, science) because reports are due in the next 2 weeks.
It was just frustrating. I totally understand, but it was a little disappointing. I know it is so much more work for us to have these rich and authentic tasks with which students can take creative license, but it just feels like such a cop-out using handouts. We went through some black-line masters and found worksheets that could be used well, and it was a little encouraging that we did keep some of the original ideas I had with just a little editing to the wording and size.
I just feel like such an annoyance, continually asking for things to be checked, asking questions because no one has told me what’s going on or because I don’t understand what was asked of me without explanation. It’s frustrating because I hate appearing anything less that competent, and in this job, I constantly feel nequient and incompetent. I really love working with children, but it is just so hard when I can’t be sure what I’m supposed to be doing. To try my hardest to meet the expectations on me, and find out I’ve missed something, or done something wrong, or don’t have enough information… Does it always feel like this? I worry enough without living in fear that I’m going to do something wrong in my teaching of students.
I am just not sure what to do to get through the next 14 days of teaching. I’m particularly nervous about teaching in front of D (male mentor teacher) who is quite forward about his ideas and ideals and doesn’t seem to have much patience for worriers or over-cautiousness.
I suppose I must try my best. I just hope that’s good enough.
